Full Circle and His

I've recently been reading "Becoming Myself: Embracing God's Dream of Me" by Stasi Eldredge. In chapter 2 "Looking Back With Mercy," it asks for the reader to remember what their childhood was like….





My childhood….

It was filled with…time, time that went by fast. But I remember longing to be older. It was a dreamy time that included: family, car rides, being at home, going to church, going to school, wandering in the woods, and make-believing in the cluster of trees in my back yard & in the field behind- secret, quiet moments pretending by myself and talking to God.

I remember sunlight through my room and messes. Disorder and order co-existed. I remember my dog Jasper who ran around with us around the house. My mother was always there, cleaning or making us food, running errands with us along for the ride. My dad would come home in the evening. I remember how he smelled. I would notice if his face was smooth or scratchy & unshaved when I would kiss his cheek.

I remember afternoon light, my sisters, the breeze, kites, the beach, & mountain trips. We would have McDonalds after church and friends would come over to play.





I also remember being punished and grieving when I did something wrong. I remember how it felt to deal with sin and grief in a healthy way; learning and seeing repercussions to actions.
I remember grieving over life being unfair; if something was done to me that was not deserved or when I was physically hurt. I emphasize grief because as an adult, it's been harder for me to express it as freely. I wonder how many  other adults struggle with that too. 




I was asked what I loved…
I loved flowers, the woods, trees, exploring, adventure, being on my own, singing, make-believing, movies, (my 2 favorites were "Pocahontas" and "The Little Mermaid" without question). I loved playing dress up and my favorite dresses.  I loved love, God, being kind to others, being good, and acceptance.



I was asked what I believed and felt…
I believed in God, my parents, love, goodness, right & wrong, freedom, beauty, kindness, sorrow, happiness, light, and Jesus. I felt loved and accepted. I felt peace, unsuppressed grief, and joy. I felt light and airy. I felt everything to be honest. I was sensitive and impressionable.





I am asked to ask God to show me how He was there in my younger years….

 Part of why I am writing this is to go over a recent shift (or what feels more like a shift-back, like when you pull your bone out of socket and maneuver it back into place). I recently have taken a long, hard look at myself, my past, and who I think God has created me to be. At a time when I was being counseled to better comprehend a brokenness in me that I didn't understand,  I had a moment where I had an experience through a visual in my mind. I was lead by my counselor to encounter God/Jesus in a secret place in my mind, a moment when I was little. I was in the woods, in the cluster of trees where I longed to be seen, understood and discovered. In a moment between shadows and daylight through the trees, He suddenly appeared on the edge of my yard. Something told me it was Jesus. He was there watching me between the patches of shadow and light. I saw his demeanor: his eyes searching me, discovering me as I longed to be discovered. 
I seemed to study me with fascination in his expression which surprised me. Doesn't God know us in and out? But I remembered too that God also delights in us as His children and His creation. I see now that...

He also saw the woman I desired to be...

Remember how I said I longed to be older? I wanted to be beautiful, graceful, grown up, and independent like the young women and older teenage girls I saw in life and on tv.  I can see He loved the little girl and the woman He knew she would become. He wasn't in a rush. I see Him in my mind now, smiling with a kind of knowing in His eyes. A satisfaction to give the little girl He loves/loved what she wanted.

Today my visual has extended and grown. Jesus is close to me and His eyes are still on me. I am a little girl and I am 26. I am both at the same time. He lets me come to Him as I embrace Him. And we are there as I am here, right now typing this at my coffee table in the middle of my apartment. I see my life in full circle these days. I feel complete, settled and alive at the same time. The idea of eternity/the eternal life is more tangible. I am 7, and 26. I am discovering who God created me to be and Jesus gives it all meaning. One day I will be 7, 26, 45, and 60 all at the same time (God willing). Full circle and His.

A Giving Father

There are some things in life you ask for in the deep, secret places of your heart- in your purest thoughts, that you so quickly dismiss- those things that the innocent, childlike voice inside wishes for in a quiet whisper as the father listens. I find in my life, those are the desires He fulfills through my delighting in Him and in the gifts He gives me.

"Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart."--Psalm 37:4

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17


"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matt 7:11

 "For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?-- Matt 7:8-10

"Seek Me and Live"

As 2014 began and is now continuing to take its course, I am doing things that I never would have  expected. When New Years came, I could feel something. That something is what I have been praying to become for years…BRAVE.  I took a vow (as most of the people in our culture on New Years Eve do) to be brave. And it's different than any kind I have known before.  Perhaps because I never really understood bravery. I am not saying I am brave while I tremble inside and look away or sink back in fear of what may happen. I am not feeding off of emotions of vindication or injustice and calling it 'bravery.' I am simply choosing to live for once. What does that mean? For me it means breathing, being present and focusing on the task I am doing in that particular moment. It means taking charge AND letting go. It's walking through doors when they open and even knocking down some if I really want to.

I think some people are like I was/can be. They think they are "living." They think they are courageous. But in reality, they have themselves locked up in a fortification of rules and limits that make them feel in-control and safe. However, they are miserable inside. Or at least I was. 

Some of the things I am learning, doing, and experiencing are things I have always had the opportunity to try but found reasons not to. 

For instance: What if I fail? What if nothing comes of it? I really am too busy with this other thing I probably 'should' do. What if I am wrong about this thing I feel I am supposed to do?    

To all this I say, "SO WHAT?!?!" at least you tried. At least you saw. At least you know. And what did you end up doing? You lived your life. Now obviously we are talking  about doing/experiencing things that are morally right while using a good dose of wisdom, prayer, and a sense of responsibility. And YES failure sucks. It hurts. It's hard to forget. But that's only the cause of our culture telling us that it's shameful. In reality, failure is a part of a life worth living. 

I say all this because the other night I was unable to sleep and wanted to hear from my Lord so badly. Even in this newfound season of bravery, I still struggle with emotions and fear. I began to journal and wrote this…

"I am truly living. Yes I am nervous, but I am also EXCITED!"

Then I opened my bible and my eyes went straight for AMOS 5:4  "For thus says the Lord to the house of Israel, 'seek me and live.'" 

God was telling the Israelites how to get out of their punishment from turning away. And it is true, when repercussions come, the best thing you can do is to seek the one true God who will graciously hand you abundant life in return. But I also found a second meaning for myself. If I seek God, I will live. I don't want to walk in the way of death that so often depresses and smothers my soul when I forget my God. And for me that can be as easy as not considering Him in my thoughts for a day or less than that.

But I want to be ALIVE and feel ALIVE. I want life and I want it BAD.

 I felt God say in that moment "Seek ME." "Look at ME."  "I have what you need." "Draw from ME." "Look to ME." 

I felt a jolt to my heart. WOW, I really really need Him. I need Him more than I could have ever imagined. And I am SO thankful. 

To wrap this up, 2 songs come to mind. One is Sara Bareilles' "I Wanna See You Be Brave." And that is what I want to see from myself and those I encounter/are around me. I want bravery. That could mean taking a second job, or quitting one. It could mean deciding to take your singing career more seriously or stepping down from your prior dreams of pop stardom, to become an accountant. It could be telling a friend that she is beautiful or your husband that you love him in the middle of a fight.

The second is Alison Krauss' "A Living Prayer." And I will leave you with its lyrics.

In this world I walk alone with no place to call my home
But there's one who holds my hand
The rugged road through barren lands
The way is dark, the road is steep
But He's become my eyes to see
The strength to climb, my griefs to bear
The Savior lives inside me there

In your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee

In these trials of life I find
Another voice inside my mind
He comforts me and bids me live
Inside the love the Father gives

In your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee
take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee

AMEN

Beyond Sentiment

A lot of people have been sharing this article lately and (aside from the fact that someone who is most definitely not Brad Pitt, who's first language is most likely not english) I have to say I am not extremely thrilled by the article itself. I'm not trying to hate. Let me tell you why…

This is what I already wrote about it...
I for one am kinda glad this article is not written by Brad Pitt, or any other man for that matter. Only because the sentiment is nice but lacks some depth. First of all, the man says he realized he was with one of the most beautiful women "on earth" and other guys would kill to be with her. She is the "ideal of more than half of men and women on earth." He was about to leave her when she became sad and less attractive, but thought he would try loving her instead. I love the outcome and it is true, the more you love someone the more they flourish and the opposite happens when you neglect them (this is especially true for women). However, what about staying and loving someone just because they are the person you chose to love? Or because she is the mother of your children? There was way too much focus on her outer beauty here. Again, I am not here to hate and it's great that this nonexistent person in this nonexistent circumstance found his wife to be beautiful.  But who says that any particular woman is the ideal for half of the people alive on planet earth? What about those of us women who are not thought about by half of the earth's population EVER in our lives? Are we not worthy to be cared for when we get depressed and ugly? Maybe I am asking too much, but the article leaves me wanting a little. I hope after thinking about it, you feel that way too. But the ending is… nice.
http://www.snopes.com/glurge/secretoflove.asp