Full Circle and His

I've recently been reading "Becoming Myself: Embracing God's Dream of Me" by Stasi Eldredge. In chapter 2 "Looking Back With Mercy," it asks for the reader to remember what their childhood was like….





My childhood….

It was filled with…time, time that went by fast. But I remember longing to be older. It was a dreamy time that included: family, car rides, being at home, going to church, going to school, wandering in the woods, and make-believing in the cluster of trees in my back yard & in the field behind- secret, quiet moments pretending by myself and talking to God.

I remember sunlight through my room and messes. Disorder and order co-existed. I remember my dog Jasper who ran around with us around the house. My mother was always there, cleaning or making us food, running errands with us along for the ride. My dad would come home in the evening. I remember how he smelled. I would notice if his face was smooth or scratchy & unshaved when I would kiss his cheek.

I remember afternoon light, my sisters, the breeze, kites, the beach, & mountain trips. We would have McDonalds after church and friends would come over to play.





I also remember being punished and grieving when I did something wrong. I remember how it felt to deal with sin and grief in a healthy way; learning and seeing repercussions to actions.
I remember grieving over life being unfair; if something was done to me that was not deserved or when I was physically hurt. I emphasize grief because as an adult, it's been harder for me to express it as freely. I wonder how many  other adults struggle with that too. 




I was asked what I loved…
I loved flowers, the woods, trees, exploring, adventure, being on my own, singing, make-believing, movies, (my 2 favorites were "Pocahontas" and "The Little Mermaid" without question). I loved playing dress up and my favorite dresses.  I loved love, God, being kind to others, being good, and acceptance.



I was asked what I believed and felt…
I believed in God, my parents, love, goodness, right & wrong, freedom, beauty, kindness, sorrow, happiness, light, and Jesus. I felt loved and accepted. I felt peace, unsuppressed grief, and joy. I felt light and airy. I felt everything to be honest. I was sensitive and impressionable.





I am asked to ask God to show me how He was there in my younger years….

 Part of why I am writing this is to go over a recent shift (or what feels more like a shift-back, like when you pull your bone out of socket and maneuver it back into place). I recently have taken a long, hard look at myself, my past, and who I think God has created me to be. At a time when I was being counseled to better comprehend a brokenness in me that I didn't understand,  I had a moment where I had an experience through a visual in my mind. I was lead by my counselor to encounter God/Jesus in a secret place in my mind, a moment when I was little. I was in the woods, in the cluster of trees where I longed to be seen, understood and discovered. In a moment between shadows and daylight through the trees, He suddenly appeared on the edge of my yard. Something told me it was Jesus. He was there watching me between the patches of shadow and light. I saw his demeanor: his eyes searching me, discovering me as I longed to be discovered. 
I seemed to study me with fascination in his expression which surprised me. Doesn't God know us in and out? But I remembered too that God also delights in us as His children and His creation. I see now that...

He also saw the woman I desired to be...

Remember how I said I longed to be older? I wanted to be beautiful, graceful, grown up, and independent like the young women and older teenage girls I saw in life and on tv.  I can see He loved the little girl and the woman He knew she would become. He wasn't in a rush. I see Him in my mind now, smiling with a kind of knowing in His eyes. A satisfaction to give the little girl He loves/loved what she wanted.

Today my visual has extended and grown. Jesus is close to me and His eyes are still on me. I am a little girl and I am 26. I am both at the same time. He lets me come to Him as I embrace Him. And we are there as I am here, right now typing this at my coffee table in the middle of my apartment. I see my life in full circle these days. I feel complete, settled and alive at the same time. The idea of eternity/the eternal life is more tangible. I am 7, and 26. I am discovering who God created me to be and Jesus gives it all meaning. One day I will be 7, 26, 45, and 60 all at the same time (God willing). Full circle and His.